So today is my grandma’s birthday. She would have been 70.
If you remember earlier last year she passed. I hardly went to uni. I cried. A lot.
I’m sure she’s having a whale of a time in heaven with the Father! :’)
Well today I realised I haven’t really cried a lot since then. I only cry over death or when I remember someone that’s gone. I haven’t even sobbed in my prayers, I get a couple tears and my heart wants to sob but to actually do it- it doesn’t work.
I’m not sure why I remember telling myself to man up so much when it came to a crying point, that I think my tears and emotions finally followed suit.
It has it’s good and bad points. But I know one things is that I can’t fully show how I feel in sad times. For example, when i’ve prayed and really sought the Lord I would cry and murmur and really want Him to see my heart. Now I shed 2 tears, and my heart murmurs. I know He understands how I communicate but my body never fully releases it. Hmm, this isn’t making any sense I don’t think.
I just wanted to share, and link back to some of last years post.
Last month (2012) I looked at posts I didn’t share from that time. I was in a very grey place- not black/bleak. I don’t know if i’ll ever share them. I don’t feel empty anymore. I wasn’t the closest to my grandma but I did love her. I only had 2 grandparents. The first half of last year (end of my teens) were hard, but when I turned 20 (June) I started to live and have fun. I’m sad that she’s gone, it took me a while to have joy in my heart again. Today I can say I haven’t seen joy for a few weeks but happiness is resting in its place till joy comes back. Joy is taking a vacay, don’t worry most of my 20th year has been joyous (joy lasts, happiness doesn’t).
Think that’s all I wanted to say. Once again thank you for reading, sharing, liking, commenting and still visiting. It’s been 2 years now. Have a lovely day as I revise for my exam this Friday!