I need to stop asking people if it’s too early in the day to drink. Culturally we all have different answers when I pose it at 12:29pm, regardless I’ve probably already been up 6 hours anyway so it’s so fine for me as I tap my glass with our Australian counterparts! I was on a strong drink ban for the week but I accidentally ordered it when I walked in, mehh!
What I’m going to write seems like a confession based around love but it’s almost a collection of prayers and different scenarios that I or friends have been through in the past 2 1/2-3 years, some parts will be overt or sensual or dramatic- just let it be.
Recently we’ve been distant and I know it’s my fault. I did this to us. Every night I slowly crept from you on all fours, I made it inch by inch til one day I was out the door. The lovely me became a woman of the night, in and out of our house for a few minutes to hours until I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted you back. Your loving arms are perfect but I still wanted to embrace another. I need you but I want something else. You are perfect, sent from heaven for me to have a relationship and learn to love myself through your love for me. You know all of what I will say but still I struggle to find the words.
Let’s say the painful itch was when I realised I had to fully devote myself for this to work. The certainty of knowing nothing bad would happen without your help through it is a great part of this thing we got going on. But I get lazy and I like to try different things. One of the trips I took to the city I got hurt and I didn’t understand why you let it happen. Then it started to happen more frequently and I never said anything, just hoping you would save me from it all, damsel in distress and what not. You’re to be my fighter, my heart holder and caresser, my mindful companion and lover of my soul. I hated that you knew but I got so full of myself and working to stay busy from the conversation that eventually it became a part of my thread in life. Inadvertenly I got a book from your friend- one of the writers and that helped to heal what I felt emotionally, the pain, turmoil and questioning if I ever was good-enough to be with you. I started reading and we reconnected and I was able to let it go slowly.
You showered me with gifts and so many gifts were hidden and I loved that you loved when I found them and used them. Some gifts I procrastinated with and you took them from me. I can’t be mad, you’re not wasteful. Everything has a purpose and if it’s not for me or not used well by me it’s good to give it to someone else who can fully appreciate and utilise it. But when I couldn’t get past my confidence and the self doubt with that baby that I let grow with all the possible future thoughts that filled my mind, it was beautiful and kept me up at night. Then it was gone. That’s the most vivid …we got past it together and I’m thankful to have had such an opportunity to create.
That day at university that I told you about where everything went well and I got noticed and felt something towards people and a sense of belonging in my achievements and status. That was a good day but I didn’t know it would lead me to here, today. You watched as I slowly gave my everything to another. Stayed later and later just to finish. I had so much fun then would get in and be too tired for a discussion or to answer, “How was your day beautiful?”. I rarely felt beautiful, even though you had a hand on every shape, curve, spot and feature that is me. It’s different hearing you’re beautiful from someone new or slightly more fresh. Maybe it’s how they say it, covered in dripping chocolate that could possibly give me a heart attack. Hmm I should get my heart checked out soon.
I miss being attentive to your words of love and promises for my future. Alcohol, the gym, my phone, friends, food, flights, cars, games are what I listen to. Mega sweet and fills the ache for a second. But it’s fresh and new and alive. I mean, you’re alive but it’s a different feel of alive. Like without you I’m seeing for the second time and it’s dark and sexy. Alluring and maybe I’m trapped, maybe this was always me, running and being free, not thinking about what people think about me. We have so many secrets between us that we know but there’s the ones that people don’t know that I do and doing it freely feels good.
I don’t want to take your love for granted. I’m sure you’ll be right there in the house we built from the foundation up, on that spot by the beach. Today know that I think of you often but this indulgence with just me and not worrying about embarrassing you by censoring myself is what I want this minute. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll see sense before this heart attack comes on strong. Know that I love you but I can’t love you and another, you told me I had a choice and I should either be hot or cold and not in between.
I love you even more than the day I met you, so I’m trying to not be in between,
Your baby love xx