I wanted to quit uni

In second year I never thought I could despise a place so much.
My year away made things a bit better, yet even then I had to communicate back and we had issues at the start but it was wonderful at the end.
Final year now seems to have been better. I’m constantly trying to be positive; speak to people, do my reading and immerse myself as a student. But this dissertation thing… I couldn’t tell you the amount of times I’ve cried myself to sleep when I just didn’t get it or I was rejected: every time I’ve contemplated if uni was ever for me. I understand that this year is the hardest and even though the first few weeks were nice I cried every other day because I just didn’t get how I could handle everything. To be honest I wasn’t really adjusting back from always travelling.
For psychology students we have to do a dissertation and ethics form to outline the study and say whether or not we’re trying to harm participants in any way, etc. I’ve been rejected so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve been stressed out about not being able to get a hold of who I need to speak with. Yet in saying that the other parts of my life is fine. Uni happens to be 70% of my being that it weighs so much on me. My most disliked question is “how are you?”, to which I reply with, “I’m alive”. I’m not fine most days (due to uni) but I’m alive. So when I tell you this don’t think it’s strange, it’s just true. Also please don’t pick up your phone to call me.
The dissertation stuff is only a portion of what I do every day and when I send certain parts of it in, I’m much happier. But the rejection reminds me that if I don’t get it passed asap I could be taken off the module and have to complete it in the next academic yr and that my dear loves is not something that will happen. Hence the feeling of quitting quickly flies in.
I’m not happy, but could i throw away all the depressive years and partial debt? I don’t like the thought of quitting, it’s not in me. I’ve not dreamt graduation and I dream a lot of things before it happens. I’ve always looked forward to finishing and wiping my hands of that God forsaken place. I just dunno. I’ve imagined my exit and who I would cuss and how I would storm out and how my departure letter would look like and what I’d do next. Lol.
I don’t mean to be gloomy. I probably have happier days than sad days and I just so happen to see the sad days more and feel it’s weight on my chest more. I cried myself to sleep the other night, wanting and ready to quit. Today, I don’t think I can quit. I don’t believe I can give up, I have just under 5 months and I sure as hell better get this shit done exceptionally wonderful!

Happy Thursday!


2 thoughts on “I wanted to quit uni

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