I think I’m over myself

I guess this will be quite a personal post, so if you have no desire to know more of me you don’t need to read it. I’m changing a few facts around as to not give too much away.

I have held myself in high regard (as one should) for everything I do. When I’m not good at something I stop trying and do it in an average way. When I’m good at it or enjoy it and have given it my all and then see that I missed the mark it pisses me off. So I can be good at educational psychology and having discussions, smash the exam and do poorly on the assignment yet I enjoyed looking at different parts of it. That one bad mark right there pisses me off.

My education, I say my a lot because I take it personally, it’s either been very good or just about good. I really apply myself to what I like or work hard just to get through it. It doesn’t always reward me kindly with results or having a personal life but it’s either or.

As I’ve been away, I’ve seen re-submissions, redo, reassess, recommit, rejig and quite a lot of -re prefixes in the past 4 weeks. Hence it has added to the pressure and intensity of my CELTA course as I’ve had to get over it and do better the next time for assignments in both countries. The getting over it has taken a long time, especially because I “wanted a first” and expected that. Now that I have seen my disso mark and a resubmission I’m like “well there goes that dream!”. I have only worked my ass off this year, it’s been tough but trust me when I say I gave it all of me (Oo, John Legend song). Like when you have a kid, you give it your life, your time, money, love and they either become great children or not so good children that have fallen off the steps into rebellion. So seeing results that were not to my expectation angered me.

I’m hard on myself and I know this. I expect better and I know that I have a somewhat overzealous need to hit the mark of what I want. I kind of learned not to now. I can’t have everything my way. I can’t accomplish everything I want, some things I just won’t get first time around. It’s ok to cry, because even Jesus wept. I’ve hated crying and it’s something I refuse myself to do because I shouldn’t cry. Yet the last few weeks that’s all I did. Yesterday I recognised that it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to be human and have a quiet cry then change your perspective and keep going.

I always said that if I get lower than “a first” I would not attend graduation. I saw my marks for the last few assignments and was like well there goes me bothering to attend graduation. Why would I want to go and get something that represents that I did not do well (based on current educational standards and my university’s opinion) and that does not represent the pain I’ve been through? Why walk on a stage, to get something you know you should have gotten higher in at the penultimate step of your educational life? It’s only yesterday after my ‘you can cry’ point that I got over myself.

My education is mine, I did learn a lot and I am wiser, smarter and filled with knowledge that I always share with others. I may not get the grade I wanted and that hurts right now- I was attached to this uni for 4 years and this is what I left with? But I’m over myself and my over zealous ways of always having to meet my standard because that wasn’t healthy when I nearly killed myself trying to meet them or emotionally damaged myself trying to keep every point of pain inside, just to systematically go through the motions and bat down the door at different angles.

I wanted to FOCUS and LET GO this year, time to really let this part go and let God have His way. I’m not saying I’m giving up on dreams. I’m just allowing myself freedom to explore and not be so rigid, robotic and having the mindset of a stuck up queen.

It’s good, it’s scary but freeing. xx

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