I’m writing this as it’s hurtful to hear your close friend go through and not to have known to slap some sense into them from earlier. Actually I’ll write it to her younger self as I never want to hear this again:
You, when you were 22 told me a story that started from 21. A story about how you trusted a man, all stories seem to involve men and love with rows of great sex and then tears. I don’t know why a lot of life is like that but I pray it changes.
You went on holiday and fell for this older man, 10 years between you. You fell for his mind, his thoughts and his talents. I mean a musician, with thoughts on the world, life, “matter” and religion does sound like someone worth spending time with! I don’t blame you for that. I blame you for not stopping to think when he invited you over, knowing there was something in the air around you two. What you did after that, was what you did and I’m happy you don’t regret it as you learnt a lot. As your friend, girl go get you some loving if you want but don’t get too deep to get too hurt.
I think you saw a pattern after that. Your other friend said, “entertaining men while they had a girlfriend was the light way of saying ‘side piece'”. I on the other hand, have no place, they say sidepiece’s who do step up then leave that job role to be filled. Who knows? I never had one! You saw it as casual boot knocking, hair pulling, window marks, bruised butts sort of fun. Then that ended because it was only to be a short thing. Then you met the other one, who holla’d at you while he was on a break but you know ya’ll kept that under wraps. I applaud you for not falling for that one, because he was an ass. I even regret us having met him and being friends with him. But you know, you live and you learn. I’ll give him this 4th sentence because that’s all the time I have for him.
We’ve been seeing so many: “You’re 20’s are where you have fun and figure out life!”,”You shouldn’t be crying at 20 trying to know exactly what you want to do”, “Don’t just have a life, but live it well”, etc. I guess this time in our lives made doing unorthodox things acceptable. Because this mysterious chunk of Galaxy blew you away. You connected. You cared. You really loved. This fine specimen (certain creatures have to be singled out) of a Greek god was fire to your bones. I saw it, everyone saw it and no one knew how to stop you because you were happy. Why would we get in the way of your happiness when we only knew of him what you told us?
I think it’s the day you nearly died, because you were broken is why you even told me and why I cried so hard for another person who wasn’t blood. I bawled for you, because you stopped bawling for you. I pretty much black girl cried after our conversation and had to stop my car to have my own breakdown before I could go home and go to work.
It wasn’t premeditated murder. You were both dumb. You were both in love. You were both passionate flames that potentially could’ve blown a building up. What you told us was nothing compared to the truth, your truth wasn’t even 75% proof rum like what I drank in Germany that had me tipsy too quick. I wish everyone could be 100% proof with their truth, if not to others- at least to themselves. If you get to the point of omitting parts of a person or what’s been happening with you, that’s your conscious covering your ass by telling you that something is wrong with the situation since you’re hiding details.
You said stuff along the lines of: gentleman, came and checked for his family, traveled a little, kind, manages with your crazy, great with his son, handy man, safety, he was loving, he respected what you said and allowed… To be honest, you were happy and he drove a nice ride from a legal job so I was good. That was my bad on my part, I should’ve paid more attention before you came crying when I lost my voice after camp about you’re deep conversation where he said he was sleeping with someone else and telling you he doesn’t want to hold you back as he’s not ready to make the changes he needs to since he regularly fails. That was the dumbest fudging thing I had done heard! But again, I wasn’t in your seat, I saw what loving him did for you: you brightened up, you cared for everyone more, you felt valued. His love for you, wasn’t anything like yours for him, but I know you felt safe with what he gave and I know you believed what he said was true.
I’m sure he was true because someone who has those values wouldn’t lie suh. Even though he hurt you, you had become more of a woman, more of a person that loved people and cared for people that you worried about his well being. I’m happy you learnt some things, but when you turn 20 just buy a pet and learn to care for people via man’s best friend! I ain’t ready for anymore women to be like you, I’ll be a counselling psychologist in under 10 years and I’m sure I’ll have to keep hearing abut the effects of broken women and the men that walked them to the edge.
I knew you died, when you couldn’t answer me as to why he couldn’t tell the world about you. You were blank, you ran out of random bullshit you told yourself to answer that internal question. Only 4 of your friends knew of him and not even his favoured best friend knew of you. You were technically second. You were technically dickmatized at some points too boo, I wasn’t sure if love had become lust or vica versa. Reality only hit after you would have a great weekend then hear nothing for days and you assumed he was too busy at work. However, you and I plus a few work colleagues in various industries all work 10-15 hrs/day and had time to converse with a few people a day and say I love you to before the satin bonnet and bedtime.
I want you to learn to value you. I want you to love you and not have men teach you how to love you. I want you to be whole as one to then be with another whole man to be two full people that bring everything-even their baggage- but work at it. I want you and my younger me to be so cool that you could fully trust her like a sister that would have given you an alibi had you killed him that night.
The details of what drove you to the edge was simple actually. You were fed up of not being as important as you had placed him in your life. Similarly we don’t tend to be kind to people after they change our level of importance in their life. That was it, a year of bad communication and being a private second is probably what ticked you off. Personally, after 6 months I would’ve told him about your knowledge of chemicals and put him in his place real quick.
But that’s that. You’ll get over it. You’ll move on from loving him and stop thinking about time wasted. You’ll keep getting that money and keep the weave on point, since he won’t be yanking it every other week. Haha.
I love yuh, you’ll come through strong boo!
That’s that. I hope I wrote it ok. I am allowed to share, and I hope it made sense.
It’s sad that women don’t know just how great they are. It’s sad as a society we don’t tell each other how we feel, compliment more, empower more with no ulterior motive. But people are snaky so we’re guarded about everyone and it’s hard to want to let it down even if we let them into the garden of our minds and hearts. You will go through tribulations (Bible), you will be alone (Bible), but God’s gunna love you and have your back completely (Bible)!