Gifts for bae: the Christmas edition

I was talking to my female friend about a chastity belt for a guy as a Christmas gift just to help keep the relationship holy, acceptable, kosher and pleasing to God when we stumbled onto several church gift ideas.

Christmas is only 7 weeks away or thereabouts and you have plenty of time to seek these out and get them customised. Here are my top 5 Christmas gifts for bae this year, some are unisex gifts while others are more for the female to buy for the male. I’ll also include my reasoning and you can use that as the explanation in the gift tag or Christmas card.

Stock photo from https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1qY8jIXXXXXaZXpXXq6xXFXXX2/Hot-stock-font-b-Boyfriend-b-font-Girlfriend-Jewelry-Lovers-Bracelet-Couples-bracelet-font-b-Christmas.jpg
1. A new belt that’s difficult to open!

Why? So that in the Netflix and chill moments, it’ll be difficult to get off and he’ll remember that you bought them it for date nights to help keep your jeans on while you’re both together cuddling. I feel like chastity belts can kill moods as it’s a difficult thing to take off. If you are reading this and you don’t know what it is, you are too young for sex and you should also go buy one and trust me on this pregnancy prevention method, but keep your genitals clean and fresh though (total health is wealth).

Continuing on from that,

2. An embroidered hand towel with his initials or your fave scripture.

I find that this is a multipurpose flannel that acts as church rag cloth for when the spirit comes in like a flood (Isaiah 59:19) and as you go on date nights you may look that fine that he gets hot up under the collar. He needs to pull that out and wipe his brow and remind himself that yall are Kingdom kids so are therefore royalty. That after he kisses you he needs to remove impure thoughts and walk you to dinner and just be a gentleman. You can look immaculately Sexy as if you’re going to get the d but on all counts when you see that rag remember you are not to seek after the d, as all God’s riches will not flow to you.

3. A doorag and that hair magic.

This is to give him the waves that he will need for the flood that will ensure if he touches that which he hath not bought. Jesus parted the Red Sea for his Obedient servant Moses, your little boyfriend needs to keep his hands and feet in the vehicle if He is to safely make it on the narrow path.

4. A backpack with games and activities.

The devil makes work for idol hands, do you remember that saying? So when you think you can’t occupy your time appropriately, reach for the backpack of games. Upon consultation, these are some games that we think would be risqué free! 

MONOPOLY, to practice finances and see what kind of person they are. This game brings out the truth in some people, be careful here as hearts may break.

SNAP, to see how fast they move and how watchful they are. If ever you need to think quickly in life, your partner should be able to save you from situations hastily.

OPERATION, this looks at stability, care, patience and motor dexterity. This basically let’s you see how patient and caring your partner truly is or isn’t. 

JENGA, even when life gets rough and it falls a part you’re still in it together and can rebuild.

5. A wallet with an important inscription to do with marriage.

This is super useful. Mainly because guys put condoms in their wallet or their back pocket which is where their wallet tends to be kept. A scripture like, He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing would work wonders. As he reaches for it after removing your underwear, the scripture should be embroidered with light up stitching so he sees that after the durex or trojan he’ll think twice and want to honour you as a wife. He should then put the condom back, put back on your lace panties and go home. If he doesn’t then…you can’t even try and get a refund on that wallet.

In all seriousness though, safe sex is better than unprotected sex and I’d always advise safety whether it’s your first time or your 632nd time with guy number 42: be safe.

A final word from my co-contributor: as much as we joke about these things and precautions every one at some point will contemplate having sex. Don’t rush into if you feel it will affect your integrity or have an impact on your emotional or psychological well being, it’s something to really think about and discuss with your partner. By doing that you will either support each other in not succumbing to temptation or you will both be accepting of the situation and the impact of having sex. If you’re a young couple in church, we suggest you find an older couple to help keep you accountable and covered.

Now back to our regular broadcasting: if this actually is helpful and you find websites then do share 👍 Happy bae Christmas shopping, now on to buying some JENGA… 😘 Xx

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