It’s that real.
He sees my accounts and how uncomfortable I feel. He saw the letter where the bank said my overdraft isn’t 2k anymore, it’s 200. Imagine now having such a big cushion pulled from under you if ever push had come to shove.
He gets the agitation in my chest when I have something to pay for and I pray something comes in to cover that payment. He sees my frustration when student finance literally threatened me due to arrears (I still feel strongly about that).
I heard a testimony from a PT sister about genuinely spending time with God like we’d go and have a coffee with a friend. I pray daily as I just about am encouraged to read the word yet I’m in Hebrews because I needed to check on faith again.
Then I keep thinking if I’ve given, prayed, fasted and read so much in the past 5 months where are you now in the past where you were to show up? My frustrations override my common sense. On the drive over to this event I thought about how i handled things in the past as I presently have people to lean on. Before I’d stop at every point and brainstorm to give my head the space to not take it on. But now I just bang out all the options at once so it can be done quickly as I want to get back to the fast pace of things getting done.
If God could take me for a coffee I’d need him to clarify if I took this step too late. If I missed the window because I was umm’ing and arr’ing. I took so long and doubted the pushes and had I left there were 3 really nice interviews I had to decline. Three professional positions that would have been a nice start.
I just want a free hot chocolate with Him! Did I screw up the timing that bad or did I need to see an almost to the thing to learn to manage with my frustrations? He provides for the birds and animals that they’ll never go hungry and I guess I’m blessed to have a relationship with my parents that I don’t have to think about bills at this time because I’m back home. It’s difficult to fall back under rules but my family will literally never let me go hungry.
My honest bit of what I’m going through xx