Food disorder

For most of my late teen-adult life I’ve stuck to one weight until Dec 2016 where I was sick often and lost like 5kg in a week, and I just about put it back on after 6 weeks of trying.

But I’ve noticed that I’ve gone from that girl who gets sad and does things with life to that girl that sits and eats snacks. I get annoyed or dwell in a negative emotion and eat. I don’t need to eat at night, but like clockwork when I get in at 10pm from work, I’m putting something in my mouth. Something with energy or a crisp styled snack but a heavy portion or several slices of bread.

I know why I’m upset sometimes and what I should do to combat the excess eating, but it makes me happy- well an average happy for that evening until I can dream beautiful things. My reality isn’t disturbing, I am pleased that I do well for my age and have travelled but food is now my fight. Oh then there’s the nauseous days, but medically the doctor and I are figuring that out so medicine helped keep things down.

Reading about it, there’s something called a Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and I fit that a little. The symptoms  (totally on a few of them) as well as the frequency of eating and feelings felt afterwards (shameful really). Personally, I won’t claim this because I can change my behaviour but if you feel that this link points to you, start to monitor it and speak to someone in confidence. I’m not a registered or certified counsellor as yet, but I’ll definitely have a look in to what help is available in your area if you do decide to contact me.

I’ve never been the girl to run to food and cry but I currently am that soppy adult. I leave my bed to eat and cry. I snack between classes when the kids annoy me or their lack of control of themselves gets to me. Food is my friend, it’s my joy replacement. I’m not depressed as I can tell you several things I can live my day out for. But excess eating is actually disgusting. Like the other night, I kept going after dinner and had like 2 more meals in an hour just because. Actually I didn’t even realise because I loved every bite 🙈 I got to bed and I could hardly bend, it was a gluttonous night where the food would push itself upwards. That sickly feeling, I was shocked at myself but with every extra bite I was looking for more flavours-from savoury to sweet to zest and crunch.

I’ve gone from appreciating food to using it as a cushion, it helps me feel better about my lack of ambition and self belief to follow my dreams and the things I saw in my actual dreams. It could be worse right? I could have gone to alcohol or drugs or miscellaneous sex. All of which takes money and emotions and I have no time to waste on either so I went to a natural thing we need to live- food. I hate that I’ve put food as a god and that I have to tell myself to stop eating and putting some form of snack trickled with a meal and muffin in my mouth every evening. Then the next morning I rub my belly like yeah, you want that 6 pack summer body right? Not happening boo.

Sigh.

NB: Originally written April 2017. Since then I’ve stopped comfort eating and have focused on occupying myself with good habits when sad. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be starting a short health is wealth series. Follow my blog to keep up and join in on the chat!

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2 thoughts on “Food disorder

  1. Hi Hmmkiki, I have to admit that your self-diagnose reads extremely reasonable. In its complexety with neuronal and emotional factors it seems to be a not so uncommon problem of young people in the modern society. The sad thing is that nobody, not even in medical science, has a solution for this. Don’t trust anyone who wants to sell you some new super-drug or invites you to “proven” spiritual courses. Thats allmost certainly quackery.
    I am sure you will manage this. Better go dancing more often or find a kind of sport that you enjoy.
    Michael

    1. BrokenR- yeah it’s a “thing” many people struggle with (not just the young). Also written near 6 months ago but definitely keeping a hobby or using time constructively on a craft or project can help kick those feelings that lead to (comfort) food 🙂

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