Throughout losing my mom I’ve had a slight fall back and lost motivation to do a lot of things. I go through the day and do very little but try to look for smiles and opportunities to laugh instead of cry.
About a week before mom’s funeral, I started to really look at my loss of weight, I slid into tight jeans easily and just didn’t feel as beautiful. I have hardly looked at myself since my mom died and even when I told my friend she just sighed like, “Ki you’re still beautiful just how you are”. I make a great fake smile but I didn’t truly believe I was pretty when I stepped out until about the week before my birthday when I had to put my EXTRA hat on, which just means I do everything big and laugh more and throw on positive makeup and jiggy songs. I felt better and started to see myself as beautiful again although I did share this insecurity with my gorgeous man friend.
I’m writing this because of him and just his fire behind what he said that made me believe that he actually loves what he has with me. Love makes a difference and if I don’t love myself without mom as my cheerleader and I really can’t muster up a jar of golden sprinkles, I’ll text him and he’ll be like, “Ki you’re beautiful so shut up and act right”. We have banter like this so it’s not a problem. I’ll paraphrase his conversation at me and I want to say this to people that may have lost someone and are trying to rebuild themselves or look themselves in the mirror when they’ve experienced heartbreak or are suffering from self-esteem issues.
Bae to me/ me to you extended version:
Your body is fine, it’s perfect as it is. This is not a struggle you’re going to have and we’re dealing with it now. *serious straight face* Please don’t tell me that you think you’re too big or too small in your head, because people would still want the body that you have. *switch to your dad that tells you off in a loving tone* So stop it and appreciate it, you’re beautiful as you are. Work out and gain muscle if you want, I’m the one with the belly that needs to go to get the 6 pack lines. But you, you’re fine so stop. *virtual hugs through your device*
He really makes me laugh and in a roundabout way he just has to tell me once to behave and I actually listen. So once again, I’ll publically thank my imperfect boyfriend that really brings me peace in storms and I can’t wait to hug you again after your next trip and probably mine (long distance is an effort).
One thing that I’ve been doing aside from hearing his random speel and it does help lift my spirit around this issue is the use of proclamations, such as:
- I am beautiful
- I am loving
- I get better each day, and
- I love me and who I’m evolving into
Any phrases or things you say to yourself in the mirror?