Mom 2

Broken.

I didn’t think it could get any worse with bringing a body home, bringing my mom’s body home. I didn’t think i could be this strong. There were moments where I wanted to howl and potentially lose consciousness. I couldn’t imagine the pain of problems with bringing my mom home.

I’m told to speak and open up about how I feel. Today, I couldn’t allow myself to feel when so many things were time conscious and wrestled with us. I had to stay straight and level headed to speak and plan as i do.

Dad thanked me for being a resourceful daughter. It’s been 4 days but 1 day with him and I can’t seem to break in front of him as yet. That’s mostly down to me having to plan the next moves and lay out my ideas for him to choose the order and priority of each task.

It’s been such a busy business day that i didn’t take stock of my feelings until I randomly ended up at the gym. It wasn’t even random, it was supposed to happen. I needed to feel gym people energy, i needed a “7 second” hug, I needed to be reminded about what to do when my faith and strength in dealing with matters initially seem weary.

My God. I never imagined at 25 I’d be without my mom and fighting the biggest fight of my life. I thought my degree and mental health stresses I had then was hard but this? This? This is a test of what I’ve been learning.

I just can’t give up now. My parents have come too far in their parenting for me to give up and throw in the towel when the going gets tough. I want to at points but then I think, if not you then who? If I don’t do it then who will? Who best to be on the team fighting to bring my mom back safely and securely? Me!

She is my biggest joint shareholder in my life. I have so much to be thankful for that i have to put her skills to use and bring her home.

I pray daily for strength and comfort. I feel a God bubble as i walk down this new dark lane added onto my journey. I don’t feel full emotions as yet, in time it will unravel. Today, I could eating and keep food down so prayer and gospel works!

When we are weak, He is strong. I’ve rejected many calls and denied visitors. I just want to be selfish for a while and deal with my grief before I help you with yours. I wish i didn’t have to go through this to fight this hard with a shaky breath. But life and tests, I will do this and I will make my mom proud!

Xx

P.S. – These were written soon after my mom passed, I share them to help someone who may need to know that how they feel is normal. This was one of the biggest challenges because my mom passed while away, and I wanted her home the same week so she could be in the best hands of our funeral director and family friend. Writing helped me, writing might help you too. Through this series that will be published when I am comfortable, things will be omitted to protect my family and our privacy but what I can share of how I am going through this whether healthy or not, I will share.

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